"Musings and Ramblings of A Convoluted Mind"

{April 14, 2010}   On Taking Chances

People that know me know that I am not a big risk taker but recently I’ve found myself faced with all kinds of new things and situations.  Since moving to Alabama I’ve purchased a house, made the decision to change careers, begun the process of searching for a part time job in my current field.  I’ve taken last minute road trips and met people that I’ve spoke to for years but had never actually met.  All these things are shaping me into a different person.  Sometimes I wonder if I like who I have become but at the end of the day I know that I have to live with myself – and I’m the only one that can change who I really am.

I admit, a few years ago I went through a hard time and I completely lost track of who I was.  I lost sight of who I was and who I wanted to be.  Life simply happened around me for awhile.  I left a wonderful job. I moved to Korea. I became a mother.  Having a newborn keeps you secluded anyway and with the way I’d been feeling, it simply put me in a bad place.  Then I made the choice to stop being who I’d become.  I’d stop merely existing and start living.  I took an active role in my sons life.  I got out. I made friends.  I enrolled in classes online.  I explored new hobbies and fell in love with some of them.

Moving to Alabama put me into a similar state of mind that the move to Korea did.  For awhile I didn’t know who I was again or why I was really here.  With my husband always gone, things get difficult.  But I feel recharged.  I’m back doing a hobby – and with this… I’m taking a chance.  It’s a big investment but I’m finally going to make the leap to a slr camera.  I’m finally going to contact the school and work more on my application for the early education program that I’m preapproved for.  I’m going to take a more active role in my neighborhood and get to know people.

And for the first time in a long time, I’m going to open up to these people.  I think it’s time that I let people know ME, not who I should be or who I think people want me to be.  And in a way, that’s freeing.


{April 12, 2010}   On: Difficult Decisions

Recently I’ve been faced with making some difficult choices in my life. When to speak up. When to hold back. When to try again. When to cut ties and when to  start over. Readers know that making choices is not an easy task for me. I over think. I dwell. I second guess. All these things play a major part in my decision process but ultimately they hinder my ability to feel safe in my choices in life. Occasionally there are the choices that require no thought at all – the decisions that are made with the heart. Rash emotional decisions. I’ve come to learn that these decisions often end up hurting. And they don’t just hurt me but those around me as well. I try to avoid making these choices as much as possible. But sometimes they are hard to avoid.

I hurt a friend. My emotions played a large part in the thought process this past week.  It makes me wonder if I was too quick to come to a conclusion.  But this is a decision that I have to live with and one that I need to have faith in.  It might not be the right decision or maybe it is.  Without a crystal or magic eight ball I have no way to know this right now.

Earlier this year I said that I wanted to achieve Balance in my life.  I have to believe that this is one step closer to achieving that Balance.  But faith in something doesn’t make the reality of the situation any easier or less painful.  I guess that just takes time.

The garden ins finally completed and mostly planted. I’m waiting to put in my jalepeno peppers and my romaine until they become a bit more hearty.  Everything else is in!!

I have 9 Cabbage.

9 String Bean.

5 Cucumber.

3 Tomato (beefsteak, patio, roma)

2 Green Bell peppers

1 Red Bell

1 Yellow Bell



1 Zuchinni

1 Yellow Squash

2 Watermelon

Plus a blueberry bush and lemon tree!  :o)

I don’t think all my cucumber seedlings will survive and I picked up a few more peat pellets today so I can start more romaine once I plant these seedlings.  Brilliant me didn’t realize romaine was a one harvest crop.  Woops!!!  And I eat a lot of salad.  I hope to have five or six heads growing at once.  My garden is going to be so full!

And on a creepy note – killed three black widow spiders that were nesting in the siding of my home.  Yuck!!!  I want to have NorPest come out and treat the area but it is expensive.  Hubby wants to do it ourselves this season.  We will see how it goes.  Bleh spiders.

et cetera